An exercise that is highly recommended to help one gain perspective and to prioritize what is truly important in one’s life is to write one’s own eulogy. It’s been said that wisdom is being able to see the end from the beginning and this exercise can help do that. By working backwards from what you want said about you at your funeral you can then have greater clarity to take those actions that increase the probability of what you want said coming to fruition and avoid those that lessen the probability.
My father, who passed away 26 years ago last week, had a tremendous turnout for his funeral. The same was true of my late wife Roneet who had an estimated 700 people come to hers. They both impacted large numbers of people directly and indirectly. My father was a very talented and successful lawyer in Chicago while Roneet had a meteoric 10-year career at Nordstrom. Their work ethic was extraordinary and their commitment to mentoring and growing people left an indelible mark on those who were lucky to be under their tutelage. They were also extremely direct and held people accountable in honoring their commitments and doing their jobs with great care. Roneet was particularly passionate in everything she did and her enthusiasm was infectious. If you needed her help she would be there for you 100%. And while they didn’t do the eulogy exercise, they didn’t need to as they were both very clear how they wanted to live their lives and the choices they made helped leave the world better than how they found it.
For me, I think an indication of a life well lived is having a large number of people attend my celebration of life and to have many people convey that I had a very positive impact on their lives. This would be even more impressive if this were to take place after living a very long life because obviously the longer one lives the fewer of one’s friends will still be around or able to attend even if they are. This means that I need to be engaged with a number of people younger than me as I continue to get older in order to increase the odds of my celebration being well attended. I know this sounds quite analytical and calculating but it’s the stark reality. If I want to live to 90+ and I want a large number of people celebrating my life after I pass away then I need to stay active socially and cultivate relationships with a number of people younger than me.
I bring this up to link two of my passions, tennis and music, to show how I am working on building new, younger relationships and how someone who just passed away at the age of 90 left an indelible mark on so many akin to my father and Roneet and how inspiring reading about his life was in the wake of his passing.
I have written previously about creating a Blue Zone at my newly created TenniSphere and that one of the key attributes of a Blue Zone is strong social bonds and a community with which to be involved. Being with others, especially those who share one’s passions, helps fill people with purpose, meaning, and depth. Heather and I have been hosting live ball sessions at our home twice a week for a couple of months now. Each session has between 7 and 11 people participating. I was curious about how many different people have played so I started putting together a list of people that I could remember coming over since we started.
Right now my list is 40 people, although I suspect more have actually played on The Eleven so far. Some of the people I knew prior to live ball commencing, but most I did not, and almost everyone is younger than I am. And since we hope to continue hosting live ball, as well as other events, and make an effort to get to know those who come over by providing food and drinks afterwards so we can sit together and talk and socialize, then this will help me cultivate and grow relationships with many people younger than me. It also gives me the opportunity to play with people who are much better than I am which can only help me improve as a player.
And while I don’t need my guests to know my ulterior motive of building a large potential turnout for my funeral/celebration of life, what they should know is that I value getting to know them and absorbing their youthful energy while also hoping I can show them that I can be a compelling model for aging gracefully and energetically. It’s a win/win for our guests and myself. I meet more people, many of whom are younger than I am and who are better players, they are exposed to The TenniSphere, and this should allow us to continue to attract more great players in the future. It’s a virtuous circle from my perspective.
The tennis example is a good way of conveying my intentional focus on socializing, particularly with younger, healthy, quality tennis players. Now let’s turn to my music example to show how impactful growing and mentoring people is and how critical it is to have high expectations for them. I think a testament of a very caring and selfless person is having left behind a cadre of people with whom their lives would not have been as successful and meaningful had they not interacted with you.
Eric Clapton on John Mayall
Last week I saw that Eric Clapton had posted a short video on social media. Before even watching it I could tell from the still picture at the beginning that he was clearly distraught. It turned out that someone I had never heard of, John Mayall, had passed away at 90 and Clapton was devastated. Since I love music and musical history I felt compelled to go down the rabbit hole to learn more about this man if he had such an impact on Eric Clapton. This is what Clapton had to say about Mayall.
Mayall had a tremendous ability to spot talent as evidenced by how well a number of those he recruited to his band, the Bluesbreakers, did after they left. Eric Clapton exited the Yardbirds when they decided to gravitate away from the blues. Mayall took Clapton under his wing and had him join his band as lead guitarist. In addition to Clapton, Mayall chose John McVie as his bassist. McVie went on to join Fleetwood Mac with Mick Fleetwood and Peter Green who also did stints in the Bluesbreakers. McVie was fired for excessive drinking and he was replaced by Jack Bruce. And when Mayall and Jack Bruce clashed over wages, Bruce left and McVie returned. Prior to leaving the band for good, Clapton went off to Greece and left Mayall scrambling for another guitarist. Mayall brought in guitar virtuoso Peter Green but that only lasted three days as Clapton chose to return. At a later point Clapton would have secret discussions with Jack Bruce to leave Bluesbreakers to form their own band. This eventually happened and the legendary trio of Cream was formed with Ginger Baker. And after Clapton left to form Cream Peter Green was brought back for one album.
Peter Green and Mick Fleetwood played together for a short period of time in the Bluesbreakers and they decided to form a new band in 1967 and asked McVie to join them. McVie joined after their first public performance and replaced the original bass player. The new band was called Peter Green’s Fleetwood Mac. We all know how successful Fleetwood Mac became, particularly after Peter Green left and Stevie Nicks and Lindsay Buckingham joined in 1975.
And last, but not least, Mayall hired 17-year old Mick Taylor to play guitar after Peter Green left. He would leave the group to join the Rolling Stones in 1969. Taylor is considered the best guitar player The Stones have ever had. This is corroborated by both Mick Jagger and Keith Richards who loved having Mick Taylor playing lead guitar and he was part of the incredible run which produced Beggars Banquet, Let it Bleed, Sticky Fingers, and Exile on Mainstreet between 1969-72. This is considered the peak of The Stones’ creative output and considered one of the most incredible four album runs in history up there with The Beatles, Pink Floyd, Bob Dylan, The Who, Joni Mitchell, and Bruce Springsteen, just to name some of the most prominent ones.
I mentioned at the beginning that both my father and Roneet were great mentors, helped grow people, and had very high expectations for those who worked for them. This is what Clapton said about Mayall’s teaching skills and high standards.
Eric Clapton once commented:
“John Mayall has actually run an incredibly great school for musicians.”
A strict disciplinarian, Mayall ruthlessly fired band members who he felt were not up to his exacting standards.
It’s not always easy to tell people what you think they need to hear because it can be taken negatively and hurt people’s feelings. But, if you truly care about their growth and success, then you’re actually doing them a service. This is why this quote from Oscar Wilde is one of my favorites:
“A true friend stabs you in the front.”
A true friend will tell you what you need to hear and you should not be surprised by their candor. There is no meaningful growth without a ruthless self-evaluation, or from those who have your best interests at heart, to shine a light on where one is falling short and to implement processes, systems, and habits to do one’s best to help overcome them.
To think that Mayall had a big influence on rock and roll legends that led to the formation of follow on bands such as Cream, Fleetwood Mac, a major contributor to the Rolling Stones, as well as having an influence of countless other musicians over the past 50+ years, is an incredible testament to a very impactful life. And knowing that my father, Roneet, my wife of 29 years, and now my current wife Heather, along with the incredible business partners I have had in Bill Williams, Steve Sherwood, and Mike Engels have done the same for me, reminds me of how fortunate I have been and inspire me to pay it forward to others.
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